Every day I wake up hoping that my mom’s diagnosis was just a bad dream. But then it hits me, those ugly words spoken by the oncologist to my mother “you are looking at only months now”. I have a hard time accepting it. It just doesn’t seem like it can be real. I refuse to accept it, and tell God “Lord if this is your will so be it, but if it is not then do what I know you can do to heal her!” Part of me wonders if I should fast, should I starve myself and refuse to eat in hopes that it will force God’s hand to heal her, but then I remember that He is not one to be forced. His plan is already set in place and me torturing myself will not change it. I just need to trust Him and know that He will walk with me through any valley He calls me to go through. He will rejoice with me on any mountain top that he lifts me up to. I don’t know what the future holds and how the next few months will play out but what I do know is that I have to cling onto God with all my might. He will be the only one that will sustain me.
I am so thankful for my sweet son Asher. He is such a comfort. The day that we found out my mother’s short prognosis, he woke up in the middle of the night and wrapped his arms around my neck to cuddle me, he doesn’t even know how much I needed that right at that moment. It was as if God was using him to comfort me directly. I find joy in my sweet boy in the middle of my pain. I have to go on living and being the mom and wife God created me to be.